The world IS round afterall

"Graduation (Friends Forever)" - Vitamin C

"As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever(!)
We will still be friends forever."

I'm not graduating haha, but I feel this way? As our lives change, COME WHATEVER BABY, I'LL TAKE IT ON! I know I have times where I feel like I can't take it, but in the end, there is no cliff at the edge of the world. The world IS round, life is a complete circle, all is harmonious and good no matter what comes towards us, we will make it back. Circular reasoning, anybody? But it's not always as bad as some people berate me for. ::grimaces:: In my life, I've felt that people come and go, only to leave imprints but not to remain. Even now I have trouble comprehending that, is that silly? I have wonderful friends in my life, but I can't grasp such a simple concept. I had a really tough time this weekend saying, essentially, farewell to everybody at church. Part of me says that I'm not leaving, I'm never leaving them, that this distance I'm creating is merely physical and has no effect whatsoever on my relationships with everybody, and the other part of me sees that I'm going to lose each and everyone of them. That terrifies me, especially in regards to my family that I worked so hard to regain. I love them so much that I cannot bear to think about being apart from them, and yet at the same time, I feel silly in even thinking that something as superficial as physical distance would prevent me from having a loving relationship with them. Yet, there's no way of preventing that worry despite rationalizing it out. Even now, with discussions aplenty, our family's always had a tough time expressing love amongst ourselves. It's easy to say and tell someone else we care for and love them, but when it's our own blood, we stutter and pick on each other. Where is the positivity, where is the love, I might bemuse. I clarified today that, even though we never said anything directly on the matter, this will never come between us again. We're all mature enough to put the past behind us, and well, I guess that was more difficult for me personally. We all have our futures ahead of us, and we are all going in different directions, but that doesn't mean that we'll drift apart. It's just difficult to see that, if I'm having this much trouble with my family, how much harder is it to extend it to my friends? I love my friends, but I've had such a bad aftertaste of lost relationships because I lost contact with past friends. It just seems like I'll lose people I care about if I am not able to keep in touch with each and every single one of them! Will they forget me, and most importantly, will I let myself forget them? I nearly completely wiped this one person from my memory for a while, which was really freaky since I had no conscious intention of doing it at all. I just... forgot who she was completely, as if she was a stranger when I passed her, and blotted her from precious memories I had with her. WEIRD ANY? Whoever said that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to is WRONG in extreme cases like these. I did NOT set my mind to do this, in fact the very opposite, and yet my memory just went poof! Derailing, but point of the illustration is just that my fear of losing people, both relationship-wise and memory-wise, is causing much concern in my preparation for departure.

Yet. As I return to this weekend, even if I was hiding for the intention of cushioning myself from the pains of separation by doing it intentionally while near them, I see myself as being so utterly selfish that I want to smack myself. I hope I reassured everyone that I'll be okay, because I will be, but staying away from people might have been counterproductive to my intentions. Dawrgh, I pray people skimmed over my mistake! Enough about that now though, but despite that I was pushing so hard, I couldn't help but feel the overflowing love everyone was trying to show me. I am so touched, that my kids went above and beyond to express their love, and the adults might have trouble communicating their concern and care but also love me. I don't know how to express my gratitude and love for any of them in return, and I probably fail as a girl in that department. (Haha...) I can't tear up, I can't summon a genuine smile, I can't show myself to the world, especially to these people who are overflowing with love for me. Harsh, aren't I, but I don't know how to just be myself in front of people. I may be my own worst enemy in judging myself, but at the very least, the message got through to me. This picture frame spells it out for me, and thank YOU for transcribing God's message to me with magnets because I really am that dense. I like alphabets, and now I have cool magnets to remind myself with every time! ::gets bricked:: Anyway. It's almost foreign to me that I can see that, you know what, I really won't lose these people. The relationships I've built along the way are not black boxes that are meant to be closed, concealed, and left behind, but they are the beginnings of many bright opportunities for me on which to grow. I will cherish these memories forever, but more importantly, I will continue to make more along the way. I have faith in God, in other people, and in myself to carry that out as long as there is breath in my lungs.

It is because of my shortcomings and my downfalls that I can appreciate the fullness of life that I've found. I suffocate but I'm still breathing, isn't that evidence of being alive? Wrapped in an extra big bow (with a pillow on top), God's gifts to me are endless. I will take it. I will make the effort. I know I will encounter more obstacles once I accept this gem, but I pray that I will always find the strength in God to keep going.

God gave me a present. I didn't know what it was for the longest time, but He let me in on the secret. It's love, and it's wrapped with SHINY!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! HAHA.

What a horrible way to end an inspired post. 8D