Due to my work computer crashing every other minute and driving me up the wall, I haven't been able to post up what I've written the past two days. Since this Thursday is Thanksgiving, I think a longer list of thanks is in order!
I am thankful for... 01) Peter Pan, the performance by the Torrey Theatre Club, it was so much fun! If only I didn't lol so much. 02) Gabriel, for inviting me to the play and playing that awesome Rachmaninov piece on his GORGEOUS piano! 03) Janee, for having Mogi sign that shitajiki with Hihara's name and sending it to me *_*! Makes my days happy as CLAM! 04) Esolen, for translating Dante's writing so beautifully. ♥ 05) Aunt Dorothy, for lending me her GPS for this weekend so I won't get lost driving up north. 06) Life, for being kind to me lately. 07) Seiyuu, for every bit of insane happiness I get out of them. 08) Seki Tomokazu, for just existing!!! 09) Takahashi Naozumi, for being an inspiration and proof to that dreams CAN come true. 10) Last, but most importantly, God, for always being present in my life even when I fail to see His love. Thank You, beyond anything, thank You.
Okaaaay! 10 is a good number. I made a gigantic list of things throughout the year elsewhere, but Blogspot doesn't allow for text cuts, so it stays over there.
Oh, one more day, or should I say one day more? Hehe.. Aw man, I have to memorize.......
[edit] OH! I forgot a very important one, I'm incredibly thankful for the Hasegawa family for all the love and support they've given me, especially you sisters. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the times you've stuck by me regardless of how high or how low I am. ♥
It's Wednesday already! Or should I say it took too long? Making chocolate amaretti with Cynthia last night was fun, even if we ended up with ginormous blobs of crisps because I don't know how to space it properly ehehe. Hopefully we'll make more things out of her new dessert cookbook every Tuesday from now on!
I'm counting down until Thanksgiving Day. Can't wait to spend the weekend with the Hasegawa family! All the wonderful people and the wonderful food. I'll miss the Thanksgiving food/clothing drive and celebration at my church, but mainly, I'm worried about missing our youth rehearsal since the winter concert is the week right after. Speaking of singing, the church aunties want me to sing more with them. Why can't they request that I sing with the youth? Sigh. Then again I don't know who would sing with me, people tend to enjoy singing solo. ._.
I finally got around to reading Inferno by Dante, translated by Anthony Esolen. It's got great atmosphere but it's been a while since I've read old literature, there's too many references that I can't recall. (Oh no, retrograde memory loss! At least it's not amnesia, wait a minute, I've wiped certain memories before...) I find myself spending more time reading the appendix and introduction than the cantatas themselves. After reading Esolen's introduction, and if the story compels me enough, I'll find other translations to read. The introduction, however, was quite the spoiler, because now I know how Dante's journey is going to play out and what the goal is. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess, but I'm just tempted to focus more on how the story will illustrate beauty and love rather than focus on the journey itself. Or is that one and the same, one of those paradoxes are supposed to make sense? It's stimulating to be reading something that tries to portray high ideals than the crude and simplistic models ideals implicate. I mean, I like reading low literature too, but it's about as engaging as a movie when there's really not that much to think about so I wind up with rapid circles of thought. Something that leaves me feeling good, bad or somewhere in between just isn't stimulating enough for further investigation, but as I said, it doesn't make it bad or not worth my time either. Harry Potter was one of the funnest reads ever, watching the adolescents unfold into adulthood, but there just wasn't a lot of depth there. The Pendergast (and other Preston and Child authored) novels had more depth, but analyzing it frightened me. The fear was good for me, to some extent, because it forced me to confront some of the darkest parts of my mind, but at the same time, it allowed me to indulge in my secret desires that should never see the light of consciousness. The worst part? I connected, sympathized, KNEW what these people felt and thought. It wasn't because it was written in the books, it was that I saw a distorted yet fantastic reflection of myself. Relating to these people worried me, those are the last people I want to have any connection with! It makes me think, if people see them as evil, then what am I? I'm not that far off, and it's times like these that I realize how corrupt we are as a society. We internalize so many things unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, but see them as necessary evils. Does that justify ourselves to do and think evil? No, not at all, and it's characters like Diogenes Pendergast who illustrate it clear as day. It is not acceptable, it is not okay, CHANGE, but change does not come easily. People who read books like these generally think of it as a fantastic trip, and some people avoid them by accusing it as a sign of evil prevalent in our society, but there is a lesson to be learned, however simple. If you realize the darkness we are all capable of, go towards the light. Do not allow yourself to be consumed. I'd like to think the authors have such a genuine purpose. ::shrugs:: Richard Preston and Lincoln Child write really good stories, by the way, better than watching a movie. X3
Now I miss those novels. Their next Pendergast novel is scheduled for release next summer. Must find more!
Wednesday Thankful Three
01) Friends who help me analyze my actions
02) Hour-long nap during lunch time
03) Souplantation last night! I love Souplantation!
You know, in this fight against injustice and discrimination, I'm saddened to see that people who support gay marriage are getting violent in both action and speech against the opposing side. I am equally upset about the passing of the ban, but I do not wish ill on people who feel and think differently. Everyone has the right to their opinion, nobody is forcing you to believe what the other side believes, but there's a thing called respect and loving your neighbor. If they disagree with you, that's okay, but when someone gets hurt, that's NOT okay. Personally, I am horrified that California, a diverse state, can pass a law that limits the "rights" (I use that term loosely because I believe it to be a privilege, although in the eyes of the law, it qualifies as a "civil right") of a certain group. They say gay people are a minority, but do we really know that? There are so many people out there who are simply "in the closet," who parade around as "straight" because they know they will be discriminated and condemned for simply being different. So can we even call them a minority? Just because it's not as obvious as something like skin colour doesn't mean that they make up a small percentage. However, even if they are a minority, this country's Constitution promises hopes of freedom, equality, and protection to all. We know that not everyone is created equal, and it would be a farce if anyone told me I'm equal to my parents, but under the law, we should be treated as equal regardless. On the legal side, this fight over Prop 8 is utterly ridiculous because it should be obvious that the proposition tries to suppress a certain group, or a "suspect class," from having the same "rights" as any other "normal" citizen should, and who exactly is "normal" anyway? Still, the sentiments clash from both sides, and because one side lost, they're now retaliating. If you people act violently and bash groups of people based on their support of the proposition, then how are you any better than those you are against? Dirty tactics like that won't bring about any change in the law, it will only bring negative attention and feedback! I understand you are hurt and angry, but is hurting other people and blaming everybody left right and center going to fix the problem? This is a problem with our legal system, parade and demonstrate all you want, but do so respectfully and in such a way that we can reverse this. There are people who are trying to fix this in our government and using legal action, so see, something is being done already. To the regular citizen, if you want to show the world that you're serious, ACT IT!!! Don't parade around to target the Mormon temples, threatening to destroy things, and run around name-calling. If you want to be taken seriously, stop the mob mentality and acting like immature temper-tantrum brats. I'm saying all this because I DEEPLY care about this issue and I really, really want to live to see people with alternate sexual orientations treated equally in the eyes of the law. We all know that the law isn't going to change anyone's opinions, and while it hurts to know that are always going to people who think you're filth and sinning or something, we should at least live in a country that upholds its own Constitution.
With all that said, I still feel that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I do not believe it is a sin, but hey, maybe I'm wrong. Still, I'm going to let God judge my beliefs, and I'll live my life to the best that I can. That's all we can ask of humanity, right? Live, be good, love one another, and die when our time comes. If we see someone in the wrong, we try to help them out by fixing it, right? But if that person is just loving someone else, someone you might see as "wrong" for them, but they are happy, is it really a good thing for you to intervene and try to take that happiness away from them? I'm not talking about drugs, alcoholism, stealing, or murder, I'm talking about genuine love for another human being. Now tell me that it's wrong to support this, because I cannot find anywhere in my heart to condemn someone else for loving someone. God wants us to love each other, He IS love, so I'm going to do just that, regardless of who they are and what they choose to do. If Jesus, who is fully god and also fully human, can show us unconditional love, I'm going to strive to try to be like Him too.
As a Christian, I cannot stand by with my hands folded quietly. I've never heard of Keith Olbermann before, but I find myself crying when I hear his words.
[^] So few wires under my desk, a rare sight indeed!
There needs to be more productive work here. I'm idling again. If only I had more engaging reading material, but no, all I have is a camera manual. ::facefaults:: Time to ramble some, then!
This morning, I was thinking about what I'm doing with my life. All my life I've always wanted to be a teacher. An elementary teacher, specifically, and I've been mentally and emotionally training myself to deal with children my entire life thus far. (Is there such a thing as physically training oneself to teach children, if I'm not aiming for physical education?) Then when I was looking through teaching credential programs, I thought that I might want to teach middle/high school instead, to focus on one subject rather than know a little about everything, which I'm weak at. (Bonnie's my opposite there, she's such a Renaissance woman, sigh. Too bad she can't stand children.) I teach better when concentrating on one subject, but then I think about how much I like little kids. ::sighs:: And then I look at myself now and ask, what on earth am I doing? I'm working at a bike shop? Granted that I'm doing computer work, which I love, but what am I doing at a bike shop instead of working at a school? Something doesn't make sense. While I have taken most of the necessary steps for the teaching credential program, I haven't actually applied. Why? My home situation is keeping me from it. My mind is too constrained and my motions monitored to the point I can't relax, and that would be detrimental to my studies. I don't want to go to school and get my credentials mindlessly, I want to absorb everything so I can be a good teacher. This isn't just about subject material, this is about preparing our young to go out into the world and make a place for themselves. I would not trust myself to teach children anything if I do not know how to instruct them in life. It makes me really want to go back to San Gabriel Academy Elementary to teach, because I think having a Christian education is beneficial to teaching about about life in general and not just mathematics or history. Of course, not everyone is a Christian, but given that I am, I think it would nice for me to go back there. Besides, I miss that school. I still remember playing Oregon Trail with Nozomi when the computer lab was still new ::gasp:: and trying to button mash through it... Oh man, we were so bad at it. Back in those days when she was trigger happy and always whacking me to shoot the rabbits and squirrels while I sat around waiting for the buffalo so I wouldn't waste ammo, and the numerous times some family member or the entire family died while crossing some river. ::laughs:: And now my Nozomi is getting married! I'm so happy for her, and thinking about those days gone by makes me want to cry. She's all grown up and engaged, in the process of getting her masters in psychology at USC, and a beautiful and tiny woman. Ohhhh... I'm so going to bawl at her wedding!!! Damnit and I'm still single???
Tonight, I'm going to go home and search up the application process for teaching credentials for next year. I know God is calling me to be a teacher someday, as I've known that since I immigrated to the US when my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Killebrew, bless her heart, welcomed me and made me feel at ease even though I could not speak a word of english. I will never forget the compassion and guidance my teachers showed me, and I always knew that was what I wanted to do in my life.
In conclusion, how does one know what lies in store for them in the future? Do we remain passive and see what comes to us, or do we actively seek out our interests and test ourselves? Obviously, I would go for the latter, but I'm also blessed to have known my calling from so early on. For those out there who are unsure of what lies ahead, keep looking! Look inward to understand yourself, look outward for inspiration and motivation, and try whatever strikes your fancy (as long as they are well within reason, of course). Try to love what you do, and if that doesn't work out, try something else! Ah, life is so full of possibilities, it would be a shame to settle for something that makes you miserable. Haha, look who's talking, at least I'm capable of caring again.
Now for today's Thankful Three! Yay!
Wednesday Thankful Three
01) Cloud 9. I'm on it, thank you! ::giggles::
02) The wonderful emotion called happiness. It's nice to be reacquainted.
03) The drinking water dispenser at work. I have endless tea->water everyday.
Maybe I shouldn't drink so much water. I'm just glad we have a clean bathroom to use.
Oh and don't think I forgot, today is Trunks' birthday. ♥♥♥
I love this camera. Canon PowerShot G10. It's so easy to use, point and shoot, and it takes good clean shots. I can view at full resolution (not that I would with this particular shot, ugh) and the image will still look clean. Fwee. Definitely worth the $400 I'm finding online. If only it weren't so chunky, because, yeah, I'm not lugging this heavy thing around in my purse everyday. My shoulder hurts enough as is.
Today is Veteran's day. I salute all veterans for they have fought hard for their country, whatever it may be, and so I am at work today, doing nothing important at all. Why am I even at work? Oh because we don't get the day off even though it's a national holiday. Oh well.
I picked up an interesting book at the library on world perspectives. The topic of this current one is about the art of love, and might I say, it is a frequently sought after but lost art. Reading this makes me think about how in depth one can investigate into a single topic that seems so simple but is really much deeper than than anyone realizes. I think love eludes us all and yet, we practice it at some level everyday of our lives. I couldn't have said it any better than this one line in the book that says, and I paraphrase, we would not be able to live a single day without love. So what is love? There's so much to say about it, that this one book cannot even begin to analyze the complexity of it from cover to cover, but still the author makes the attempt and takes the plunge. And so I'll try to think about it some more too, that's all one can do, right? From the love of worldly things to the love of God, where is the thread that strings it all together? Love for oneself versus love for others, what exactly does it entail? Why do we love at all? Is it a passive or an active affect? How many emotions are bound within love, not just by love? Can it justify our actions, for better or for worse? I'm always inclined to look inward for answers to such inquiries, to weigh them with my mind and heart and see what results, for everyone tires of talk and wishes to just act. This book is fun to read because it gives me pause from looking inward and read about someone else's analysis and see how their different approach of understanding "love" can explain the concept. Sometimes, things like this just need to be lived, but I can't just let things flow, as much as everyone keeps telling me to just stop thinking and let go. How can I go about my life carelessly and not think about it? We were created with intelligent minds and a free will, so why aren't we using it? Maybe I'm micromanaging, okay I am micromanaging, but I find it a healthy activity to think about everything daily. But I digress, maybe there's something about thinking and mentally picking apart issues that I love. Haha, love, there it is again. I love to think! Imagine that...
And now I'm thinking, I really love potatoes. (Yes, I was thinking about this the entire time.) How does that fit? XD
Dreaming of composers, philosophers, artists Listening, captivated, mesmerized Dead to the wordly realm Alive and thriving in our minds Shall we thank them for their time and energy Their intelligence, inspiration, and beauty? Marvelling at their works, great and small The universe captured in a single element Life in a single note, word, stroke
In my secret garden Tall hedges hide my truths Walk my labyrinth of thorns and leaves Where dead flowers bloom Springing forth from the earth's bosom Will you navigate to its core?
Just felt like emoting. Chopin makes me a little crazy sometimes, and then on a tangent, I realize I only have two mp3s of Liszt, woes. Must acquire more of his love. ♥
I find myself unable to coherently and completely organize my thoughts on Christianity and the topic of sexuality (and marriage, specifically, in light of Prop 8). I feel like I have too much to say and too little time and space to do it, not to mention that I completely lack the ability to outline something like this properly, but Kimi said a lot of what I wanted to say in her FaceBook note. If anyone else has the time and consideration, please read Kimi's note here on Facebook.
I actually don't know if FaceBook links work if you're not on there.. hmm...
Sigh. I have been so upset this entire week when I try to research into this topic. I talked about this with my pastor, and he advised me to not take it personally and think about it. And I am doing just that, but I'm overwhelmed. I... I think I'll just stop for now.
I didn't change since the more indepth analysis in high school, this is pretty sad. Am I always going to be an INFJ? Persistence is definitely my trait. ::facepalm::
Wish there were a free comprehensive Enneagram test.
"Seasons of Love" started rolling through my head when I looked at the clock just now. Out of that 525,600 minutes, I have 30 more minutes to go before I get off work so I can take Masaomi to a mechanic. That's only 0.0057% of the all the minutes in one year. Number crunching actually makes 30 minutes seem alarmingly short. Scary.
All night, I've been trying to calm down, given that there is no rational explanation for why I'm so upset because of this person who shall remain nameless, but I've had no success. I've been praying for him, for my frustration to subside, for the ability to master my emotions, and still I find myself screaming in my head. Why is it that biological flunctuations can upset someone SO MUCH? I've always fought to maintain self control, and yet here, I find myself losing to this raging response in my system. If anything, time, space, prayer, and continued avoidance will help. I hope.
Hopeless situations like this that are beyond my control, I ask for guidance from the only One who can help. Please pray for me too.
That aside, let me work on my Thankful Three for the day so I can focus my energy into that instead.
Monday Thankful Three
01) Daylight Savings Time! We gained an hour to rest our minds and bodies. Autumn is a good season.
02) A blessed Sabbath day in which I was able to rest and spend time with all the wonderful people at church.
03) The LA County Public library, for having a book request system so I don't have to drive everywhere to get reading material.
This weekend seemed to be packed with a lot of decision making on my part, and then some. I was unable to complete my list of things to do, but it seemed like I accomplished a whole different set of goals instead...
» I was granted permission to do the one thing I've been wanting to for a while now. Even if it was only for that one day.
» I didn't record for choir, but I was able to play on my upright until 6am because my parents are off in Hawaii. Oh how I've missed my piano! I'm so happy now that I have a copy of this following song to play now. Now if only someone will sing it so I can accompany!
"If I Can't Love Her"
And in my twisted face There's not the slightest trace Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape No comfort, no escape I see, but deep within is utter blindness
Hopeless As my dream dies As the time flies Love a lost illusion
Helpless Unforgiven Cold and driven To this sad conclusion
No beauty could move me No goodness improve me No power on earth, if I can't love her No passion could reach me No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved her and made her love me too If I can't love her, then who? Long ago I should have seen All the things I could have been Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No pain could be deeper No life could be cheaper No point anymore, if I can't love her No spirit could win me No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free But it's not to be If I can't love her Let the world be done with me
-- Beauty and the Beast Musical
Sigh. Talk about depressing songs. Rings true, doesn't it?
I love being an accompanist, I really do. Most people aspire to become solo performers, and that certainly is a wonderful aspiration, but for someone like me, I enjoy playing with other people instead. To be able to support and boost someone's performance makes me happiest, and it's also when I perform best. It means I can enjoy my music while enjoying someone else's at the same time, and the weaving of my music with someone else's is a thrill. My piano teacher used to always try to make me perform by myself, and I shudder away from it every time I can, but he never noticed that I always agree with it comes to playing with someone else. Duets, trios, quartets, quintets - that's what I live for! Ahh, and thus why La Corda d'oro is the best otome game EVER! (Sorry you guys, Haruka might have more shinies, but nothing beats making music with my boys.) Now, if only, if ONLY I could have a duet with Kanayan! I keep wishing I could play Tsuchiura so I could have a duet with Kanayan!! Because, you know, violin + vocals doesn't make much of a duet. Okay, Corda fangirling aside, I really love making music with people. On that topic...
» I ended up having three songs to play for my uncle, Uncle Zhu Jing, and Auntie Marie.
Thankfully, they were all easy pieces and I pulled them off yesterday, whew. Nothing makes me happier than playing for people who know their music and sing in tune. ♥ Nothing against Daisaku and Fukujun and ::COUGHS:: nevermind, but harmony is ♥♥♥! Wish I could sing like that! ::sighs::
» Uncle treating us for dinner and frozen yogurt yesterday. ♥ Free food!
