All night, I've been trying to calm down, given that there is no rational explanation for why I'm so upset because of this person who shall remain nameless, but I've had no success. I've been praying for him, for my frustration to subside, for the ability to master my emotions, and still I find myself screaming in my head. Why is it that biological flunctuations can upset someone SO MUCH? I've always fought to maintain self control, and yet here, I find myself losing to this raging response in my system. If anything, time, space, prayer, and continued avoidance will help. I hope.
Hopeless situations like this that are beyond my control, I ask for guidance from the only One who can help. Please pray for me too.
That aside, let me work on my Thankful Three for the day so I can focus my energy into that instead.
Monday Thankful Three
01) Daylight Savings Time! We gained an hour to rest our minds and bodies. Autumn is a good season.
02) A blessed Sabbath day in which I was able to rest and spend time with all the wonderful people at church.
03) The LA County Public library, for having a book request system so I don't have to drive everywhere to get reading material.
This weekend seemed to be packed with a lot of decision making on my part, and then some. I was unable to complete my list of things to do, but it seemed like I accomplished a whole different set of goals instead...
» I was granted permission to do the one thing I've been wanting to for a while now. Even if it was only for that one day.
» I didn't record for choir, but I was able to play on my upright until 6am because my parents are off in Hawaii. Oh how I've missed my piano! I'm so happy now that I have a copy of this following song to play now. Now if only someone will sing it so I can accompany!
"If I Can't Love Her"
And in my twisted face
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness
Hopeless
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion
No beauty could move me
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love her
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved her and made her love me too
If I can't love her, then who?
Long ago I should have seen
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No pain could be deeper
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore, if I can't love her
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free
But it's not to be
If I can't love her
Let the world be done with me
-- Beauty and the Beast Musical
Sigh. Talk about depressing songs. Rings true, doesn't it?
I love being an accompanist, I really do. Most people aspire to become solo performers, and that certainly is a wonderful aspiration, but for someone like me, I enjoy playing with other people instead. To be able to support and boost someone's performance makes me happiest, and it's also when I perform best. It means I can enjoy my music while enjoying someone else's at the same time, and the weaving of my music with someone else's is a thrill. My piano teacher used to always try to make me perform by myself, and I shudder away from it every time I can, but he never noticed that I always agree with it comes to playing with someone else. Duets, trios, quartets, quintets - that's what I live for! Ahh, and thus why La Corda d'oro is the best otome game EVER! (Sorry you guys, Haruka might have more shinies, but nothing beats making music with my boys.) Now, if only, if ONLY I could have a duet with Kanayan! I keep wishing I could play Tsuchiura so I could have a duet with Kanayan!! Because, you know, violin + vocals doesn't make much of a duet. Okay, Corda fangirling aside, I really love making music with people. On that topic...
» I ended up having three songs to play for my uncle, Uncle Zhu Jing, and Auntie Marie.
Thankfully, they were all easy pieces and I pulled them off yesterday, whew. Nothing makes me happier than playing for people who know their music and sing in tune. ♥ Nothing against Daisaku and Fukujun and ::COUGHS:: nevermind, but harmony is ♥♥♥! Wish I could sing like that! ::sighs::
» Uncle treating us for dinner and frozen yogurt yesterday. ♥ Free food!
Work today is really slow. I might post again.
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