Reading Yuuchan's short but adorable blog entry makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She's so cute! It helps me remember to notice the little things in life and appreciate it. So I'll enjoy my tea and pretend I'm enjoying it with her. Ahh, just imagining her broad and content smile after sipping can last me a day. Hopeless, any? Which reminds me, is she in Haruka4? I heard Torikou is, but whether that's actually news or not is beyond me since I haven't bothered to keep up with the Haruka-verse.
Anyway, our seriously short-staffed Tuesdays and Thursdays still prove to be slow. I really am happy that I have my thermos and my tea. Is it okay to daydream over my Urban Lover + tikuanyin tea? Oh, allow me to explain the ridiculous name of this tea. It's so fragrant, composed of lavender, rosemary, and chamomile, and the weird Chinese company dubbed it Urban Lover. How that name makes any sense, I have absolutely no clue because it strikes me more as a depressant (as opposed to a stimulant) instead. So unless "urban lovers" are all knocked out from sleepy herbs, that name doesn't fit one bit.
I'm wondering if Yuuchan's blog name has anything to do with her status. She seems all right in her posts, but I can't help but be a little worried for her...
MOU!
Ne ne, Saa, sorry about last night. I'll call you tonight? ^_^
Listening to: "Denkou Sekkai no Koi" - Takahashi Naozumi
Before I start babbling about my day that nobody cares about, let me say what's important...
Happy Lunar New Year, everybody!!!
T'is the year of the ox, and may this year be blessed and properous! I'm kicking the year off with prayers so that I might continue it for the rest of the year. ^___^
Today is made of happy, surprisingly, for a Monday. It's a personal matter why I'm happy, but I was also happy for a decent amount of work, feeding off negative energy in the office, reading the most interesting Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, napping in the parking lot in a perfect balance of cold and hot temperatures, and getting a bonus. Oh yes, somebody finally noticed how hard I work, damn right. I'm happy for it! Doesn't make up for the paycheck getting cut, but hell, whenever there is extra, it's good. So I ate Del Taco with Cynthia for dinner! ::gets bricked:: Yeah, not the best food to consume, but hey, better than nothing. Perhaps I'll get flatbread salad from Quiznos tomorrow! *_*
Practice with Cynthia and Steven tonight proved useful. I'm hopeful that they have at least the first of the three songs in the medley down. MOST HOPEFUL! I'm a little upset that Steven has no idea what notes he's playing on the guitar, which renders my help rather useless, so thank goodness for YouTube tutorials. Cynthia just needs practice so she can speed up, and all will be well. Whew. I'm proud to say that I finished my new year greeting rounds tonight!! Didn't catch five groups of people, but I left them all messages so it should be fine. Whew! I would've been happier if people didn't have to focus on wishing me a boyfriend this year, jeez. All in all, this year has started off well. Nyosh, let's toast to a wonderful year, shall we? ^_~v KANPAI!
There are different forms of love, but all forms of love is still love. You may love God, you may love your soulmate, you may love your significant other, you may love your friend, you may love your job, you may love sleeping, you may love simply being happy. Regardless, really, you cannot live without love. It is what fuels us to continue striving for something better in life, to continue LIVING. Maybe it is all a matter of perception, but why does it feel like love can cause so much pain? I'm happy to say that the past is over at last, but the mere memory still brings me pain. Yet, at the same time, it is because of this memory that I strive to love others. The experience would be for naught if I let it bog me down and becoming a person incapable of love, incapable of caring, and incapable of good. I have to thank them for causing me this pain, even, as I am more appreciative of the little things in life that make me happy, no matter how brief or how imaginary it is. ::lopsided grin:: Humility in the face of darkness, I've realized, is what keeps us strong. Bearing it and yet not being proud of our strengths but knowing how to appreciate others and build on our weaknesses can make all the difference.
Yet, despite this pep talk to myself, I can't help feeling just a little sad. Is that okay, if I cry just for a little bit?
Okay! Moping aside, bible study yesterday was helpful. There is always a tidbit of advice that pertains to the struggles I have to deal with weekly, and for that, I'm infinitely thankful. This week, the message was to have faith that God will provide for us what is best. How much peace that brings, if only we are willing to accept. On the family side of things, Uncle Dominic and Alvin are both sick, and I think the rest of the family and all will be having tuen-nin dinner tomorrow while I have nobody to spend new year's eve with. At least I'll have books to read! OH THANK YOU GABRIEL FOR THIS BOOK KYAAAA!!! I was suppressing myself from flailing over and dying from happiness, I'm so so so so so so happy, thank you thank you thank you! I... I really don't know what else to say. ♥♥♥ I'm going to read myself to sleep tonight whee!
Oh and, if you're reading this, the Pavane I was talking about is by Maurice Ravel. Will let you hear next time, because I can't play it, sniffle!
Anyway, in bible study, we talked about the remnant church and apostacy. Interesting topic, because it can create quite a bit of tension between the different Christian denominations, which makes me wonder exactly how important is adhering to doctrines is if it will on cause further division. I mean, we should definitely follow what God wants us to do, and if that is most clearly reflected in what we see from Jesus and the prophets before and after him, but do we have any right to say that one way of interpretation is accurate and another is not? We say we are not condemning others, but regardless of intention or not, this viewpoint is essentially saying that the other churches are not doing what God wants. Hm. I'm new to this topic, so I will think about it some more and wait to learn more about this next week.
Tonight, I took Gabriel and Joycelyn to see Thoroughly Modern Millie again. Whee! Well, Joycelyn didn't go last week, but anyway, it was fantastic!! Both the casts are awesome, I'm totally floored by the dedication they have to this production. Wow, simply wow. My favourite parts remain as the Chinese brothers' song, the song where they mimicked typing by means of tap dancing, totally ingenious sound design and composition right there, and the hilariously sudden love number between the boss and Miss Dorothy. SIGH!! What fun, what music, what a performance! I'm so glad I was invited to this, I would never know of these events and probably not be motivated to go by myself, so this is always a treat. (So, you guys, stop thanking me, I should be the one thanking you!) ^___^ ああ、本当に嬉しいです～！
Love makes one high, so much it's both a stimulant and a depressant all at once. Looking back, I have never been in love although I've loved people, deeply, wholeheartedly, and then some. It never worked out, and maybe it's because I was never "in love" with them? Perhaps. The smallest things can make me happy, but I can be saddened by the smallest things as well. This morning, life seemed to be all roses. Then things started coming at me, one by one.
The world economy is bad, right? Our company is not an exception, and while my boss doesn't want to lay off anyone (heh, he might've been better off doing that), he ended up cutting all of our hours back. One hour a day, which equates to five hours a week. I AM NOT HAPPY. That's a huge portion of my salary right there! I should be happy that my boss can't possibly even think about firing me because of how much work I do for him, but woes. As if I didn't earn little enough. ::sniffles::
In light of my hours being cut back, I have also decided to cut back my food intake when necessary, and that will mean instead of napping every so often during lunch, I will resolve to nap every day so I distract myself from buying food. I wonder how long that will last, my mood will surely plummet. ::cringes::
Emails are perhaps one of the easiest things that either saves or destroys my mood. Emails from friends make me happy, but emails from previous employers who are stupid and can't keep track of their own finances and makes us work to get our own tax forms make me infinitely grumpy. I also got another email that probably doesn't mean anything, and hey I guess I did ask for it, but at the same time... Now I wish I had said something different. As people love to tell me, I always dig my own grave, don't I...
Dinner tonight for pre-Lunar new year with parents, grandma, and aunt. Not happy about that either, why did they have to pick that restaurant on San Gabriel and Garvey that gave me a stomachache last time? WHY?
Okay. Two more days to last, and then the weekend comes to the rescue. I miss everyone at church!!! Wow, I have no social life, do I?
This universe is so vast, and in comparison, God encompasses all that and more. What a privilege it is for me to be a part of His grand scheme. I find myself looking to the night sky while searching for answers from within, and with the new year rapidly approaching, now is the time to have a serious talk with myself. During this period of contemplation and preparation for the new year, fixating new year resolutions are in order, as are clearing away negative energies, resolving conflicts, and being open to the endless possibilities the new year will bring! I was a little disappointed that not many of the people I asked this year have made new year resolutions, but I think I have three important things to work on, so I'm okay with myself at least.
Oh great Orion, was the hunt this past year fruitful? Tell me for I yearn to hear your stories so that I may be inspired to pursue my own hunt this upcoming year.
I ask the stars that every winter, and year after year, I get a dismal answer. Our world is dwindling, resources plundered, the harvest evermore meager, morale is falling, destruction eminent, and yet, why are we still here? I can't speak for mankind, but I would really like to know what my purpose is here. What plan do You have in store for me, what is it that You want from me? Have I been doing my part? Are we failing as Your people? Are we still worthy of Your love? Theoretically, all those questions are answered, yes Jesus died for our sins, for us all, and He is our salvation that we only need to accept and shall receive. Still, we continue to err, how much more suffering are we going to give Him? I can't begin to comprehend the pain, but my heart cries. So the question again, was this year's hunt fruitful? Despite the dismal answer I get every time, a quiet and plain whisper tells me not to despair. The hunt is not about the casualties and sacrifices, but it is about the process and our goal! Realistic optimism is necessary as we tread the path towards our destination, and although narrow and difficult it is, seeing the depression along the way, we must persevere. Orion will leave us again, but he returns every winter to light up the night sky. For all I know, he won't be there for all eternity, should one of the stars burn out, but that is only just one small existence, as are we. Stargazing has always been a favourite time to space out pasttime of mine, and ah, how I marvel at the universe! How miniscule we are, and yet with a reason! Any given grain of sand might seem unimportant at a first glance, but each is placed there lovingly by the hands of our Creator. Are we to cherish that, and in so, are we to cherish our own lives, no matter how great or small? Every occurrence happens for a reason, both by God's will and our own decisions, and so I must step into this new year with fortitude. Fate had it that I was born into this world, but by the power of God, I will be able to live this life the way I choose!
The hunt is continuous. It never ceases, it never decreases in value no matter what circumstances befall it. The new year is the time to reassess our values and learn from past experiences. Let us hold hands and march forward with our heads held up high. Orion 待ってるよ、一緒に帰ろう！
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With that off my chest, this weekend was absolutely wonderful!! Yesterday, I got through playing piano for Sabbath service without screwing up too badly, recorded the lady playing one of Mendelssohn's "Song Without Words" on cello and piano ::SPAZZ::, am overjoyed for the instrumentalists for the women's choir, watched the musical Thoroughly Modern Millie with Gabriel, and got a slice of free gouda cheese. DID I MENTION CHEESE? ♥ Then today I, along with my cousins, took grandma out for yumcha, discovered how much dried fish stomach costs, and hung out with Miriam and Alvin afterwards. This past work week sucked, but these two days made up for everything. Did God reward my patience this week? Yes He did! ^___^ Or, as the saying goes, we reap what we sow. Regardless, I'm happy and ready to take on another week, yossha!
Thank you to everyone and everything that puts up with my behaviour this week, as always. Alvin, for letting me be an annoying little cousin once in a while. Miriam, for gathering us together and treating us. Grandma, for being so happy just to see us all. My parents, for giving me the space I need to heal. Gabriel, for a wonderful night and beautiful music. Christina, for your smile and breathtaking compositions. John and Irene, for thinking of me. Cynthia, for being a caring and strong person. Seki, for the great big amounts of happiness you bring to this world. Uncle Dominic and Auntie Ruth, for loving and accepting me. Auntie Carmen, for listening and persevering. Christie, for her progress and being a living reminder. Boss, for coming back to work tomorrow. GIVE ME WORK TO DO ALL RIGHT ALREADY, THE LACK OF WORK KILLS ME!!! Sarah and Kimi, for being the dynamic duo who soothes and loves me despite my faults. Andrew, for listening and telling me a different viewpoint. Nozomi, for calling me back and letting me speak, and I hope she understands now. Bonnie, for reminding me that I have the capacity to love. To all others I failed to mention, I thank you for being in my life. I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you. Then last, but definitely not the least, thank you Jesus, for the infinite love You showed us with Your sacrifice. I love You, and never let me forget that. Never.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!! No no no no no no no WHAT DID YOU DO TO GOKU??? GOKU IS NOT PRETTY BOY I-AM-COOL-AND-COLLECTED WHITE BOY!!! I don't give a crap that he's being played by a white guy, BUT I DO MIND THAT THEY CHANGED GOKU INTO THE WHITE GUY, CATCH MY DRIFT??? I want my adorable and childish and vivacious Goku who gobbles down anything back!
I'm a little bit too worked up over this. For the show that remains the most personal to me throughout my life, this is blasphemy.
On the good sides, hey Stephen Chow, I'm glad you made it! *_*
Muten Roshi played by Chow Yun Fat is really, really weird. And the trailer doesn't show his ecchi side at all. I wonder if they did away with that, but they shouldn't have...
Chichi and Bulma look good. I never thought I'd ever say this, but Chichi looks hot. Korean chick plays her, what a perfect fit. ::gets bricked by her::
James Marsters as Piccolo is beyond funny to me, not because he looks funny, but because he's TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE HERE!!! Despite his role as Spike in Angel, he looks like that green demon dude in the show instead. So out of place, but hey, he can pull off a cool villain, so no complaints yet.
THE DRAGONBALLS LOOK AWESOME :D!! SHINY AND ROUND AND SHINY! Who doesn't love dragonballs!?
The CGs are awesome, but standard.
I think the only way I can watch this is if I think of it as a spin-off sci-fi flick or something. Now to find someone who's willing to watch this with me. In theatres April 8th, it says.
I don't understand the reason for this song at all, but Ishikawa sounds so funny. 8D
Anyway, yesterday, I had dinner with Sheridan and we were walking around the Focus plaza in San Gabriel afterwards. You know, it's a family spot, chinese hangout area, old people as well as little kids go there too, right? Right. So in this one jewelry store display window we passed, the one facing this trendy kid stuff store, we noticed a peculiar watch on display. Well, a poster of it, which made it worse because of how BIG and glaring it was on display.
Behold the following pictures, click to enlarge, and not for the faint-hearted or the innocent-minded!
Nowwwww then, our reaction: AMUSED and WHAT on EARTH??? I mean, HAHA, interesting watch, I can see someone like Miki or Onomasa sporting it, ::gets bricked:: but at the Focus plaza?? What on earth are these people THINKING displaying something like THAT at such a location!!
Thus ends the highlight of this mundane week. I don't get Martin Luther King Jr.'s Day off next week either, but boy am I tempted to just not show up.
As for my new year resolutions, positivity and patience is so difficult!! Everyday on the way to work, I have to verbally scold myself everytime I catch myself cursing at someone on the road or when I feel my anger swell. People drive me nuts at work too, and I'm trying to keep cool even though I want to scream. Honestly, suppressing my negative emotions has never worked quite well, but I think I might have to try to reformulate that coping mechanism now. Afterall, reanalyzing after quite some time should help me bring some new ideas to the table, right? How do people deal with negativity and lack of patience effectively???
Anyway, two very special birthdays are in line, and I will announce them happily.
Happy Birthday to Elvis Presley!
I know the man is gone, but his memory will live on forever! The king of rock and roll, the man who will never escape my memory because of my dad's obsession with him! 8D His music will always ring true, from his popular hits to his gospel music, ahhh, love. Absolute love, swoon worthy, and utterly charming, even with his pouty lips. Haha! Happy birthday to the my dad's hero, here's to Elvis!
Happy Birthday to Gabriel!!!
Haaaaaappy happy birthday~~~! ♥ I wish you a wonderful day with much love, and please don't freak out at the email explosion. I'll call you in the morning (time per Joycelyn, I hope it's not too early) instead of adding to the email spammage. Another year, what goals do you wish to achieve in this round? Ah, life is filled with so many possibilities, today is the present, what will you do with it? ^_~
Ahh... The thought of birthdays makes me happier at least. I'll listen to some Elvis and Rachmaninov tonight for the birthday boys, haha. Musics... ♥
Hopefully, everybody had a better new year countdown than me. I forgot to count down because I was drawing the picture above, and my stomach hurts from dinner with parents tonight. Grawr! Oh yeah, click the thumbnail to view the full image. If anyone wants a print out card, email me your address, tell me, or something. Sorry for the crappy colouring and not having alternate options this year and for being super late!
Yesterday, everyone playing Apples to Apples seemed to know the perfect card to put down for my adjective, "hopeless." HEY!!!! Why did everyone associate that adjective so casually with me!! ::facedesk:: My Yeema won that round for putting down "Japanese," which, for ONCE, outweighed "steak and potatoes." Guh. Normally, my steak and potatoes would outweigh everything across the board in regards to what is absolutely hopeless for me, but "Japanese" won yesterday because my mind was cluttered with Seki, seiyuu, Honey Bee, and Koei. GRRRR KOEI!!! I still have yet to order the three duet CDs, and and and, and THE SLASHY KENS HAVE A HITSUJI CD!!! According to Janee, Horiken is shachou, and Nariken is peaceful secretary. ::jams desk into jaw:: Yeah. That one will be mine baby, 俺の者、くそ～！＞＜ Am I hopeless or what? Okay, Yeema, you win.
So while Apples to Apples is fresh in my mind, I started thinking about it in song terms. "SANCTUARY ~Yes/No" and "Kizuna" ran across my mind, and no, not because one is sung well and the other is absolutely horrifying. I thought, it would be crazy fun if Apples to Apples were played with song titles! Saa and Kimi, would you two want to help me draft this up? It would be so fun!!!! XD And even if we don't know the songs themselves, the titles will be sufficient enough! For example, "SANCTUARY ~Yes/No~" can be for "deceptive" and "Kizuna" can be for "questionable" or "adorable," depending on who's choosing! XD Wouldn't that be fun?
Boy did we have a handful tonight. We had a guest pastor today, and hrm, should I mention my derailment of thought? His voice was bassy and he had an Australian accent, yes, I'm a seiyuu fan, c'mon, you can't NOT expect me to go "ooh" at good voices! Sermon about the prodigal son nearly made me cry because I was thinking about my friend the entire time. It really eats at me, waiting for her to realize what she's doing and come back to me. The waiting is so painful, and I think what hurts me most is that I think it's intentional. I felt better talking about it later, thank you, you know who you are, and I will continue to pray for her to "come to herself" as the parable describes.
After potluck, we went to a homeless shelter in Whittier and passed out clothes and food. Mostly clothes, actually. It was a really good experience for us: some of us spoke to the people there and learned about their stories, some sung songs for or with them, but most importantly of all, all of us realized just how fortunate we are. I'd like to believe that we all saw the good we were doing for the shelter and also see that we should cherish and be thankful for all that we have in our lives when there are so many people out there in need of things that we take for granted. I believe there are many take-home lessons to be learned here, but in personal reflection, I think that one is what called to me the most. Especially in times when I feel pain and loss, like in the situation with my friend, I realize how fortunate I am to have friends and family who care about me. Sure we blunder, but ultimately, I'm not alone anymore. The gift of love is more than I expected to get, and I hope I never ever take that for granted. I also have a roof over my head and I don't have to worry about not having enough money to pay my bills - I have all that I need to survive, is that not enough? None of this I will take with me when I die anyway, as long as I can survive, it's good enough, but I also have enough to live comfortably. How can I not be grateful for what I have!
So after accomplishing our mission tonight, we ran into a scary thing. One of our cars was involved in a pretty bad accident, and while nobody was hurt, the car is very badly damaged. The two backseat passengers hit their heads and one threw up later, but there seems to be nothing serious. THANK GOD. Accidents happen, but THANK GOD that nobody was seriously injured! Whew, what a relief I had when we saw with our own eyes that everyone was indeed okay. Tonight, I ask for prayers for all those that were involved in the accident, may the matters be cleared and injured, however lightly, folk be fully well as the new day approaches.
As we heared from a recorded sermon in our bible study today, our time in this world is limited. So let us use our time wisely, and may God grant us the wisdom to make decisions and do things that will put a smile on our Lord's face! With that off my chest, I can sleep better tonight. I have lunch with Audrey tomorrow and a little get-together at Uncle Dominic's afterwards. I hope it'll be fun!
Christmas this year was normal, I spent my Christmas day sleeping and woke up for dinner at Garden with parents, aunt, and grandma. Boxing day, my most joyous day, was good. Until evening came anyway. I had gone shopping at the Bookoff in Costa Mesa, picked up something for somebody at Kinokuniya, and came back to LA to wait for dinner time and bible study. Then I got five texts in a row from a friend. Five very distressing text messages that ruined my mood entirely, and I've been on the verge of tears every other second tonight. I don't know what to do, if I can do anything at all, and if I'm at fault. Is there anything I can do to remedy this? I can't even find a way to talk about this on the computer, which is rare for me.
All I can do right now is pray. I pray God will help her and me get through this, help both of us understand each other, so on so forth yada blah. I don't even know what it is I'm praying for, but my heart hurts. I'm at a loss for words.
Tonight, I had a choice of three places to go for dinner. Parents, Uncle and his family, or Bonnie and her family. Ultimately, I chose to spend time with my uncle, aunt, and cousins instead of the other two options. I had such fun tonight that I would do it again if I could. We went to BJ's for dinner, and Davin and I split the new Mediterranean pizza. MMM! Then back home, we karaoked Christmas songs like crazy. Davin and I did, mostly, with a little bit of Alvin since we forced him, and my uncle singing with or without the mic. This is the family I remember spending Christmas with when I first immigrated, the people who I had fun hanging out with and love dearly. The only time I remember being a child before it was all taken away. While I can never make up for all those lost years, I had so much fun with my baby cousin Davin that I don't need to look into the past anymore. I have them now, and that's what matters, right? Even if I rarely get to spend time out with my cousins, I now know that it's possible again. That Davin (unfortunately, Alvin's pretty stubborn about not singing heh) and I will get to goof off and torture Alvin with our made-up melodies and off-key singing, and that I am able to look to them for opinions. ::grins::
In conclusion to this blessed evening? Even though I had a long work day in which I really didn't care to be there, I have discovered what it means to have family who love you and want you to be there with them. I was able to feel the Christmas spirit at the very last moment, singing traditional and children Christmas songs with Davin. Love is mine for the taking at last, it's not only me who's giving. Thanks be to God! How awesome is that! Even if I'm moody and sad, even if I'm tired and irritated, love is all you need. All I need.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone. I hope everyone out there is experiencing a spark of hope too.
Today is phlegm day. My sore throat is not as bad as yesterday, so maybe the infection is dying down. As a reflection of that, dead stuff in my throat! #_#
Earlier, we had a will-call customer with her little girl, babbling and cute as can be. I was doing inventory of our showroom at the time, clipping tags and hauling bikes around, and then I looked outside. It's a beautiful day today, and I thought, what a wonderful day it is to go biking! When driving to work earlier, I saw the mountains, capped with snow, pine trees afar looking evergreen, and picture perfect clouds hovering the mountain tops. How romantic it would be to enjoy the cool, crisp air today in the mountains or on the beach, on one of a mountain bike or on one of our beach cruisers, riding with someone you love. Spending time in nature with people you love, significant other or not, makes one feel warm and fuzzy, even if the air is nippy. ::insert long sigh here:: XD Despite the fact that I'm sick but getting slightly better, the thought makes me smile inside. So...
Today's Happy Point: Oxygen.
Breathe, everybody! The air is cool, the pollution is a little bit clearer, and there is plenty of renewed oxygen in the air because all our vegetation has been watered! Thank God for the rain, and thank God for the air we breathe. Oxygen fills our lungs with life and energy, and while happiness doesn't come naturally with oxygen, just imagine how sweet oxygen is to one who is suffocating or drowning. We certainly don't appreciate this enough, taking every breath we take for granted, as if we have a right to it. God created this world for us, and it is HIS right to continually allow us to use it. Let's take a moment to contemplate the wonders of our universe, from human-made computers we use to the animals we see, and right down to the air we breathe. Amen!
Sickness becomes me. FLU! FEVER! STOMACHACHE! UWARGH! Yeah. Despite all that, I'm at work. Dying, but antibiotic'd and panadol'd. Hotpot and grandmother's birthday cake killed my stomach, and I am not happy. Regardless, must focus on positives. So let's start with the happy point.
Today's Happy Point: Sleep.
I slept lots yesterday, had a semi-good rest last night, albeit short, and will sleep in the car for lunch today since I cannot eat for 24 hours anyway. Stupid stomachache. I'll live. >_>
Thankful Things 01) Ishikawa Hideo, it's his birthday! 02) Sabbath, the Lord's rest and mine too. 03) Church friends, for making me feel like a person. 04) Uncle Daniel, for treating us to dinner. *_____* 05) Bistro Pasqual, the yummiest yet accessible food I've had in a while. 06) Bowling, for fun and minimal exercise, hehe. 07) Christmas piano sheet music, for tickling my brain.
On the last one, I really need to work on my Christmas spirit. I HAVE NONE!!! I need help, so I'm turning to music and hoping it'll help me get in the mood. Sadly, not quite yet, but the pieces I was plunking through helped a little bit. Was bummed that nobody would sing with it, I had to sing myself and mess up. Meh, whatever.
Tonight was filled with much food and fun yet also quite a load of annoyances. Let us all forgive our transgressors, yes? I'm reasoning the best I can to understand these people, and while I can, it doesn't stop me from feeling irritated. ::sighs:: I need to work on my emotions, as I've always known, but this might prove easier. Concrete and not-as-personal situations are much easier to analyze and hence control my thoughts and feelings, obviously. We'll work on this together, and I pray that I and the other people involved will be granted patience, tolerance, and understanding.
The light rain washed away some of the grime from the sky, and when I arrived home at 1:15am, the stars and moon were shining brightly. It's the first time the moon, in all its glory, did not sway me like it should. Orion was there to greet me, clear in view, and I am happy. Shiny NeoRomance I mean Orion. 8D
Last night, we read through Matthew 4 but did not get through 5, but in one verse, I was rather confuzzled. When speaking of not loving your brother, there were three examples in particular in which each would lead to a certain danger. The second one, something about calling your brother "Raca" confused me. My uncle said it meant to say something in contempt, but then it was too similar to the third, which is calling your brother "Thou fool" ... So. What is it? Why does saying "Raca" lead one to be in danger of council? Why council? Need to research on this further. When my mother isn't banging at my door and harassing me to sleep.
In lines of forgiveness, forgive me for hopscotching my points, but there is still something about the lack of maturity at a certain age level that irritates the heck out of me. I understand that not everyone was brought up to have a respectful and mindful mentality, but is it too much to expect people to be mature? Seriously, am I asking too much of this world? When one is a child, it is natural and RIGHT for one to be selfish and prioritize their own needs, thoughts, and feelings. However, as one grows older, they ought to learn, either by influence of their surroundings or within oneself, the process of mental and emotional maturation kicks in along with physiological maturity. Okay, so according to all that mumble jumble that I learned from psychology, some people can be stunted and mature slower, but isn't it also human nature to want to do good, so it should naturally start to divert inside out of oneself? I'm being convoluted, so to clarify, maturity means being able to consider OTHERS in accordance to considering one's own SELF in daily activities, whether actively or passively. People readily dismiss excitement and over enthusiasm as immaturity, but does anyone ever think that those are simply behaviours that result from immaturity but does not necessarily equate to immaturity itself? Behavioural psychology is very gray for this reason, because while behaviour stems from a particular source, it does not always indicate that one single source but rather a multitude of possible sources. Must we all be so simple minded and quick to judge? I find myself guilty of such deductions frequently, so I must continue to seek answers, as I am quick to anger with immature behaviour. So yes, perhaps I am asking too much for people to be courteous, respectful, humble, and mindful of others. Hmmm. Maybe it's too late to think logically, but this is immensely frustrating!!!
Holes, holes, holes. I need patches. Patches for my mind, patches for my heart, patches for my soul.
It's freezing tonight. I ought to wear more clothes. 8D
Today’s Happy Point: Rest.
Rest, to celebrate God's creation, be closer to God, and commune with fellow man. Rest, that I got during my uncle's sermon. (Oops.)
Romaji lyrics to my favourite Naochan song. Because.
"stay"
Artist: Takahashi Naozumi (高橋直純)
kaze ga fuiteiru itsumo no basho de kimi wo matteru sora miage nagara irodzuku kumo ni kimi wo kasanete omou tooku ni mieru "gomen" no shikunaru
itsumo sou da yo sewomuke aruku boku oikake waratteru kimi no massugu nobitekuru hitomi no saki ni chiiisana akari tomoshi tokihanatsu...
won't you be my love kono mama ashita he to aruitekou won't you be my love eien waratte zutto. motto. hora... kao agete... daijoubu... shinjiteiru
mune ni nagareru MELODY guchizusa nde tsutaetai nda kimi shikai naito...
mujaki ni warau koto wasurezuni ite ichiban no takara mono dakara toki ni wa namida ga hoho wo tsutau yoru mo shizuka ni sotto kimi wo hikiyose... dakishime you
because I love you... stay won't you be my love kono mama boku ni mirai azukete won't you be my love eien mamotte zutto. zutto. zutto... itsumademo... koko ni iru because I love you... stay
Oh am I cranky tonight or what. I finished up the eBay duties for work today, edited all the pictures, and yet, I don't feel accomplished at all. Maybe for the fact that I was tired and cranky all day already. In times like this, it is really important that I look for what I'm thankful for to force myself to look on the bright side of things when I'm feeling reluctant to care. Yosh, here goes...
Thursday Thankful Three 01) Parents out at dinner, allowing me time to play a little piano outside. 02) Being employed. 03) Important people in my life.
I thought back about last night's dinner with Nozomi again. February 2010 is what she's aiming for. I'm so happy for her, and yet I can't help but feel a little sad. My girl is all grown up and getting married, wearing a diamond engagement ring and looking more and more beautiful each time I see her. And I feel left behind. Maybe it's time I stop looking to make others happy and try to make myself happy too.
Yosh, project happiness, that's my next thing to work on! From now on, I'll think of something that makes me happy and try to do something about it. A plan for action, not just silent contemplation! YOSH! Let's do this, people!
Today's Happy Point:関智一
Why? Because Seki is one of the magnificent wonders of the universe! I thank God everyday for his existence! ^D^ I'm not crazy, nope. Oh yeah, almost forgot, I'm going to buy his new CD!!! Maybe not this very instant, but very soon. ♥
._. Can I help feeling this way? I work so hard to suppress my feelings, to control them, and then this happens to me. Why me? I feel happy, feeling this way, and yet distressed at the situation in which it occurred. Internal conflict, as usual. Over Thanksgiving weekend, the Wesley church's morning sermon talked about this, how we are thrust into these situations and have to deal with it. God gives us so many things to be thankful for, but our hindrances stop us from rejoicing over what we have. Instead of being upset, we should praise God for giving us the opportunity to grow and the chance to show our worth by overcoming these obstacles, right? Then why do I feel so upset right now? I don't envy other people for what they have, but I do feel like I'm lacking something essential... Blargh. Enough muttering. If anything, adversity will prove if what I feel is true, if God really wants this for me, or if I'm just feeling vulnerable.
Last night, I had nanchatte tonkotsu ramen at Foo Foo Tei, and it was SO GOOD!!! Gyah! Tonkotsu so fatty, but yummy! So yummy! ::swoons:: The broth was soooo good, they added some other cream to make it richer than tonkotsu broth is already, and... oh my. I was happy last night, even though it cost me quite a bit as I paid for a portion of Cynthia's too. But man, I'm definitely going back there. X3 We didn't get around to making desserts, but we talked and watched plenty of stuff instead heehee. Fun times. I'm bringing a NeoRomance Live DVD next time, muwahaha...
Last time I read Inferno, the canto detailing the schismatics was rather repulsive. Being able to stomach quite a bit of morbidity and violence, I was surprised at how evoking that canto was. I wanted to puke, and when I took a nap after it, I had a hellish nightmare of the similar variety. NO FUN!! KOWAI YO!! Must continue, however, I wonder what Lucifer is like in Dante's hell. @_@ May curiosity not kill this cat...
Speaking of lunch, time for me to take my nap now...
Listening: "FATE ~Mafuyu no Taiyou~" - Itou Kentarou, Taniyama Kishou
I.... GAH!!! I had a very stressful night, filled with both good things and EXTREMELY stressful things. I don't think there was anything bad, just... stressed out. My nerves were shot all night and boy was I tense. Hours later, I'm still tense. GAH STUPID FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE SYSTEM! ::sighs::
Meanwhile, I unwind with some LxR. Hehe. Itouken sounds not Tsuchiura'y at all, but I'm thoroughly enjoying this duet. DUET. SOMEONE SING A DUET WITH ME PRETTY PLEASE??
Okay so, first things first, MUSIC. MUSIC IS LIFE, MUSIC IS LOVE, MUSIC IS HAPPINESS, MUSIC IS ADVENTURE! I loooooove music! The featured pianist tonight was amazing in two pieces in particular, and two pieces I did not expect to be gushing so much over. His rendition of Chopin's "Heroic Polonaise" failed to impress me, and his "Erlkonig," by Liszt and Schubert, was good but only just that. BUT. GAH. Debussy. DEBUSSY. His fingers were like petals brushing on the surface of a tranquil lake. I WAS IN LOVE. LOOOOOVE. He played it SO beautifully and totally reflected the title, "Reflections in the Water." *___* I was quite the fan of "Dream Rag No.2" by William Albright although I initially did not expect to care for it at all. It was whimsical, cute, romantic, and even sexy. Rawr. I enjoyed it very much, was glad I was standing up for that one or I would've slid off my seat in all weirdness. ::laughs:: The "Three Dances" piece, with its three movements accordingly, was interesting, but only the first dance was anywhere near interesting, although the second dance did start off beautifully, the dance got somehow convoluted and meaningless. And. While his technique for "Fantasia Baetica" by Manuel de Falla was awesome, I was just not interested no matter how hard I tried. The full circle I was picking out could've been developed better, with better story telling. But. It failed. It failed to be fantastic in any sort, although it was an impressive piece to add to the repertoire. Oh well. I think I was most bummed out by the Chopin starter piece. He could've done so much better than that, so what happened? Oh my beautiful Chopin, I want more of you. Come back... come back to me.
The lady who played the koto wow'ed my socks off. My nerves were shot throughout the first piece she played, unfortunately, so I was sitting outside and watching the monitor, but the second time around, I was swept away. I tried to imagine Tomomasa playing to me. The choirs were good, and I don't know why "The Prayer" makes me teary. I'll have to go look up the lyrics. Why? >_> Anyway. Joshua is SUCH an amazing accompanist!! I ooze at the skill he has to evoke feelings and his own style while not overshadowing the choir's performance. AWESOME. That is pure AWESOMENESS. Gah. Accompanists so do not get their due enough. APPLAUD FOR JOSHUA, APPLAUD!!!!
What's with me and pianists? Hello? I don't really care for Tsuchiura, hello? どうして? Oh I sure had a large dosage of pianists tonight, very very very VERY happy. I think I'm bordering on greedy, kekeke. Can anyone blame me? Since Tsuchiura doesn't do it for me, playing Corda won't help, so I must get it elsewhere. Corda is only good for trumpet and flute, and the fountain of love that springs from those two is too much for words! If Uncle Zhu Jing played too, man, I think I would be floating by now.
Our Les Miserables songs were okay. I was really bummed out when I found out Jonathan and I weren't being picked up by the microphone. My fault. Very disappointed in myself. Overall, however, we were very good as a group. Much better than ANY of our practice sessions, haha! I was so amazed at everybody, so proud of everyone, and and and. OH I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! I LOOOOOOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Now if only I didn't have to run off to change for my uncle's trio as accompanist. People said I did well but I was too nervous to notice anything. That and my skirt was riding low in the back. I hope nobody saw that. ARGH yuck!
Looking back, I should have prayed for my nervousness. I forgot I get stage fright, and boy did I pay for it. I was clutching Gabriel's rubberband rifle like crazy before going out and ended up arm wrestling Steven to relieve tension. Thank you, Steven, for letting me do that, and thank you for being a gentleman about it. Arm wrestling did wonders for my nerves, or I think I would have been cracking before I ever make it onstage. And thank you, Gabriel, for being cheerful and a shoulder to freak out on LOL. Thank you to all of you for putting up with my near nervous breakdown. Thank you thank you THANK YOU ALL. ♥
Now that our winter concert is over and done with, why don't we all shout PRAISE GOD!? Ready, okay... PRAISE GOD!!!! Thank God it's over and all went well! I want to watch something sweet and funny now to soothe my frazzled nerves.
I'm too tired to write separate posts, so this is crossposted around.
I am so behind on my lists of thankful things, oh no! I'll be good and do one today.
Thursday Thankful Three 01) It's almost Friday!!! Soon it will be the weekend! 02) Orbit gum, for keeping me awake and being phantom food for my not quite full stomach. 03) Shopping with Sheridan two days ago, I has me a new purple shirt! ::gasp:: Colour in my closet, imagine that...
Okay. Time to panic. I'm not playing all the songs for my uncle and the two other people right? Because I don't find playing piano in my Les Mis costume very appealing. Hopefully they'll stick to the recording for the first two songs, so I can change. O_O
Life has gotten rather busy, it seems, and I very much enjoy it. I'm now actually doing what I applied for in this job, sales. Haha. Ebay sales. Some customers astound me with their inability to research before purchasing something, but hey, who am I to complain, I just sell the stuff. That would be a whopping total of five bikes, heh, not much at all. Oh well, a bike sold is a bike sold.
I was rather unsettled by what one of my friends told me on Monday. She thinks I'm settling for a dull and dreary life, on something less than what I deserve, but why is she complaining? It's my life, is it not? I'm actually feeling quite content with my routine of weekday work and weekend church, why is she so displeased with the way I turned out? Because I actually enjoy staying in line and watching my spending appropriately? I sigh. Then there was the one huge little matter that she addressed that irked me this whole week thus far, to the point my mother said I was groaning and muttering loudly in my sleep. Ugh. Hopefully I said nothing incriminating. 8D
And so the routine of my life continues as I descend further into Inferno... ::shudders:: Happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...
I had a most fabulous and food-filled weekend. Minus feeling bloated and exhausted from my 8-hour drive yesterday, I feel great! I have to thank the Hasegawas for putting up with me for so many days, I'm not the easiest house guest, but not quite as bad as Dobby. ::chortles::
Anyway, while I have tons to ramble about, now isn't the time, so I'll just leave with a picture. Tomomasa and Yorihisa! Unfortunately, my gauntlets went missing so I had to do without the jacket. Ironically, even when wielding a fan, still not quite feminine..
Under the cover of darkness, we aim for the dramatic effect. Or plain lols.
Due to my work computer crashing every other minute and driving me up the wall, I haven't been able to post up what I've written the past two days. Since this Thursday is Thanksgiving, I think a longer list of thanks is in order!
I am thankful for... 01) Peter Pan, the performance by the Torrey Theatre Club, it was so much fun! If only I didn't lol so much. 02) Gabriel, for inviting me to the play and playing that awesome Rachmaninov piece on his GORGEOUS piano! 03) Janee, for having Mogi sign that shitajiki with Hihara's name and sending it to me *_*! Makes my days happy as CLAM! 04) Esolen, for translating Dante's writing so beautifully. ♥ 05) Aunt Dorothy, for lending me her GPS for this weekend so I won't get lost driving up north. 06) Life, for being kind to me lately. 07) Seiyuu, for every bit of insane happiness I get out of them. 08) Seki Tomokazu, for just existing!!! 09) Takahashi Naozumi, for being an inspiration and proof to that dreams CAN come true. 10) Last, but most importantly, God, for always being present in my life even when I fail to see His love. Thank You, beyond anything, thank You.
Okaaaay! 10 is a good number. I made a gigantic list of things throughout the year elsewhere, but Blogspot doesn't allow for text cuts, so it stays over there.
Oh, one more day, or should I say one day more? Hehe.. Aw man, I have to memorize.......
[edit] OH! I forgot a very important one, I'm incredibly thankful for the Hasegawa family for all the love and support they've given me, especially you sisters. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the times you've stuck by me regardless of how high or how low I am. ♥
It's Wednesday already! Or should I say it took too long? Making chocolate amaretti with Cynthia last night was fun, even if we ended up with ginormous blobs of crisps because I don't know how to space it properly ehehe. Hopefully we'll make more things out of her new dessert cookbook every Tuesday from now on!
I'm counting down until Thanksgiving Day. Can't wait to spend the weekend with the Hasegawa family! All the wonderful people and the wonderful food. I'll miss the Thanksgiving food/clothing drive and celebration at my church, but mainly, I'm worried about missing our youth rehearsal since the winter concert is the week right after. Speaking of singing, the church aunties want me to sing more with them. Why can't they request that I sing with the youth? Sigh. Then again I don't know who would sing with me, people tend to enjoy singing solo. ._.
I finally got around to reading Inferno by Dante, translated by Anthony Esolen. It's got great atmosphere but it's been a while since I've read old literature, there's too many references that I can't recall. (Oh no, retrograde memory loss! At least it's not amnesia, wait a minute, I've wiped certain memories before...) I find myself spending more time reading the appendix and introduction than the cantatas themselves. After reading Esolen's introduction, and if the story compels me enough, I'll find other translations to read. The introduction, however, was quite the spoiler, because now I know how Dante's journey is going to play out and what the goal is. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I guess, but I'm just tempted to focus more on how the story will illustrate beauty and love rather than focus on the journey itself. Or is that one and the same, one of those paradoxes are supposed to make sense? It's stimulating to be reading something that tries to portray high ideals than the crude and simplistic models ideals implicate. I mean, I like reading low literature too, but it's about as engaging as a movie when there's really not that much to think about so I wind up with rapid circles of thought. Something that leaves me feeling good, bad or somewhere in between just isn't stimulating enough for further investigation, but as I said, it doesn't make it bad or not worth my time either. Harry Potter was one of the funnest reads ever, watching the adolescents unfold into adulthood, but there just wasn't a lot of depth there. The Pendergast (and other Preston and Child authored) novels had more depth, but analyzing it frightened me. The fear was good for me, to some extent, because it forced me to confront some of the darkest parts of my mind, but at the same time, it allowed me to indulge in my secret desires that should never see the light of consciousness. The worst part? I connected, sympathized, KNEW what these people felt and thought. It wasn't because it was written in the books, it was that I saw a distorted yet fantastic reflection of myself. Relating to these people worried me, those are the last people I want to have any connection with! It makes me think, if people see them as evil, then what am I? I'm not that far off, and it's times like these that I realize how corrupt we are as a society. We internalize so many things unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, but see them as necessary evils. Does that justify ourselves to do and think evil? No, not at all, and it's characters like Diogenes Pendergast who illustrate it clear as day. It is not acceptable, it is not okay, CHANGE, but change does not come easily. People who read books like these generally think of it as a fantastic trip, and some people avoid them by accusing it as a sign of evil prevalent in our society, but there is a lesson to be learned, however simple. If you realize the darkness we are all capable of, go towards the light. Do not allow yourself to be consumed. I'd like to think the authors have such a genuine purpose. ::shrugs:: Richard Preston and Lincoln Child write really good stories, by the way, better than watching a movie. X3
Now I miss those novels. Their next Pendergast novel is scheduled for release next summer. Must find more!
Wednesday Thankful Three
01) Friends who help me analyze my actions
02) Hour-long nap during lunch time
03) Souplantation last night! I love Souplantation!
You know, in this fight against injustice and discrimination, I'm saddened to see that people who support gay marriage are getting violent in both action and speech against the opposing side. I am equally upset about the passing of the ban, but I do not wish ill on people who feel and think differently. Everyone has the right to their opinion, nobody is forcing you to believe what the other side believes, but there's a thing called respect and loving your neighbor. If they disagree with you, that's okay, but when someone gets hurt, that's NOT okay. Personally, I am horrified that California, a diverse state, can pass a law that limits the "rights" (I use that term loosely because I believe it to be a privilege, although in the eyes of the law, it qualifies as a "civil right") of a certain group. They say gay people are a minority, but do we really know that? There are so many people out there who are simply "in the closet," who parade around as "straight" because they know they will be discriminated and condemned for simply being different. So can we even call them a minority? Just because it's not as obvious as something like skin colour doesn't mean that they make up a small percentage. However, even if they are a minority, this country's Constitution promises hopes of freedom, equality, and protection to all. We know that not everyone is created equal, and it would be a farce if anyone told me I'm equal to my parents, but under the law, we should be treated as equal regardless. On the legal side, this fight over Prop 8 is utterly ridiculous because it should be obvious that the proposition tries to suppress a certain group, or a "suspect class," from having the same "rights" as any other "normal" citizen should, and who exactly is "normal" anyway? Still, the sentiments clash from both sides, and because one side lost, they're now retaliating. If you people act violently and bash groups of people based on their support of the proposition, then how are you any better than those you are against? Dirty tactics like that won't bring about any change in the law, it will only bring negative attention and feedback! I understand you are hurt and angry, but is hurting other people and blaming everybody left right and center going to fix the problem? This is a problem with our legal system, parade and demonstrate all you want, but do so respectfully and in such a way that we can reverse this. There are people who are trying to fix this in our government and using legal action, so see, something is being done already. To the regular citizen, if you want to show the world that you're serious, ACT IT!!! Don't parade around to target the Mormon temples, threatening to destroy things, and run around name-calling. If you want to be taken seriously, stop the mob mentality and acting like immature temper-tantrum brats. I'm saying all this because I DEEPLY care about this issue and I really, really want to live to see people with alternate sexual orientations treated equally in the eyes of the law. We all know that the law isn't going to change anyone's opinions, and while it hurts to know that are always going to people who think you're filth and sinning or something, we should at least live in a country that upholds its own Constitution.
With all that said, I still feel that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I do not believe it is a sin, but hey, maybe I'm wrong. Still, I'm going to let God judge my beliefs, and I'll live my life to the best that I can. That's all we can ask of humanity, right? Live, be good, love one another, and die when our time comes. If we see someone in the wrong, we try to help them out by fixing it, right? But if that person is just loving someone else, someone you might see as "wrong" for them, but they are happy, is it really a good thing for you to intervene and try to take that happiness away from them? I'm not talking about drugs, alcoholism, stealing, or murder, I'm talking about genuine love for another human being. Now tell me that it's wrong to support this, because I cannot find anywhere in my heart to condemn someone else for loving someone. God wants us to love each other, He IS love, so I'm going to do just that, regardless of who they are and what they choose to do. If Jesus, who is fully god and also fully human, can show us unconditional love, I'm going to strive to try to be like Him too.
As a Christian, I cannot stand by with my hands folded quietly. I've never heard of Keith Olbermann before, but I find myself crying when I hear his words.
[^] So few wires under my desk, a rare sight indeed!
There needs to be more productive work here. I'm idling again. If only I had more engaging reading material, but no, all I have is a camera manual. ::facefaults:: Time to ramble some, then!
This morning, I was thinking about what I'm doing with my life. All my life I've always wanted to be a teacher. An elementary teacher, specifically, and I've been mentally and emotionally training myself to deal with children my entire life thus far. (Is there such a thing as physically training oneself to teach children, if I'm not aiming for physical education?) Then when I was looking through teaching credential programs, I thought that I might want to teach middle/high school instead, to focus on one subject rather than know a little about everything, which I'm weak at. (Bonnie's my opposite there, she's such a Renaissance woman, sigh. Too bad she can't stand children.) I teach better when concentrating on one subject, but then I think about how much I like little kids. ::sighs:: And then I look at myself now and ask, what on earth am I doing? I'm working at a bike shop? Granted that I'm doing computer work, which I love, but what am I doing at a bike shop instead of working at a school? Something doesn't make sense. While I have taken most of the necessary steps for the teaching credential program, I haven't actually applied. Why? My home situation is keeping me from it. My mind is too constrained and my motions monitored to the point I can't relax, and that would be detrimental to my studies. I don't want to go to school and get my credentials mindlessly, I want to absorb everything so I can be a good teacher. This isn't just about subject material, this is about preparing our young to go out into the world and make a place for themselves. I would not trust myself to teach children anything if I do not know how to instruct them in life. It makes me really want to go back to San Gabriel Academy Elementary to teach, because I think having a Christian education is beneficial to teaching about about life in general and not just mathematics or history. Of course, not everyone is a Christian, but given that I am, I think it would nice for me to go back there. Besides, I miss that school. I still remember playing Oregon Trail with Nozomi when the computer lab was still new ::gasp:: and trying to button mash through it... Oh man, we were so bad at it. Back in those days when she was trigger happy and always whacking me to shoot the rabbits and squirrels while I sat around waiting for the buffalo so I wouldn't waste ammo, and the numerous times some family member or the entire family died while crossing some river. ::laughs:: And now my Nozomi is getting married! I'm so happy for her, and thinking about those days gone by makes me want to cry. She's all grown up and engaged, in the process of getting her masters in psychology at USC, and a beautiful and tiny woman. Ohhhh... I'm so going to bawl at her wedding!!! Damnit and I'm still single???
Tonight, I'm going to go home and search up the application process for teaching credentials for next year. I know God is calling me to be a teacher someday, as I've known that since I immigrated to the US when my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Killebrew, bless her heart, welcomed me and made me feel at ease even though I could not speak a word of english. I will never forget the compassion and guidance my teachers showed me, and I always knew that was what I wanted to do in my life.
In conclusion, how does one know what lies in store for them in the future? Do we remain passive and see what comes to us, or do we actively seek out our interests and test ourselves? Obviously, I would go for the latter, but I'm also blessed to have known my calling from so early on. For those out there who are unsure of what lies ahead, keep looking! Look inward to understand yourself, look outward for inspiration and motivation, and try whatever strikes your fancy (as long as they are well within reason, of course). Try to love what you do, and if that doesn't work out, try something else! Ah, life is so full of possibilities, it would be a shame to settle for something that makes you miserable. Haha, look who's talking, at least I'm capable of caring again.
Now for today's Thankful Three! Yay!
Wednesday Thankful Three
01) Cloud 9. I'm on it, thank you! ::giggles::
02) The wonderful emotion called happiness. It's nice to be reacquainted.
03) The drinking water dispenser at work. I have endless tea->water everyday.
Maybe I shouldn't drink so much water. I'm just glad we have a clean bathroom to use.
Oh and don't think I forgot, today is Trunks' birthday. ♥♥♥
I love this camera. Canon PowerShot G10. It's so easy to use, point and shoot, and it takes good clean shots. I can view at full resolution (not that I would with this particular shot, ugh) and the image will still look clean. Fwee. Definitely worth the $400 I'm finding online. If only it weren't so chunky, because, yeah, I'm not lugging this heavy thing around in my purse everyday. My shoulder hurts enough as is.
Today is Veteran's day. I salute all veterans for they have fought hard for their country, whatever it may be, and so I am at work today, doing nothing important at all. Why am I even at work? Oh because we don't get the day off even though it's a national holiday. Oh well.
I picked up an interesting book at the library on world perspectives. The topic of this current one is about the art of love, and might I say, it is a frequently sought after but lost art. Reading this makes me think about how in depth one can investigate into a single topic that seems so simple but is really much deeper than than anyone realizes. I think love eludes us all and yet, we practice it at some level everyday of our lives. I couldn't have said it any better than this one line in the book that says, and I paraphrase, we would not be able to live a single day without love. So what is love? There's so much to say about it, that this one book cannot even begin to analyze the complexity of it from cover to cover, but still the author makes the attempt and takes the plunge. And so I'll try to think about it some more too, that's all one can do, right? From the love of worldly things to the love of God, where is the thread that strings it all together? Love for oneself versus love for others, what exactly does it entail? Why do we love at all? Is it a passive or an active affect? How many emotions are bound within love, not just by love? Can it justify our actions, for better or for worse? I'm always inclined to look inward for answers to such inquiries, to weigh them with my mind and heart and see what results, for everyone tires of talk and wishes to just act. This book is fun to read because it gives me pause from looking inward and read about someone else's analysis and see how their different approach of understanding "love" can explain the concept. Sometimes, things like this just need to be lived, but I can't just let things flow, as much as everyone keeps telling me to just stop thinking and let go. How can I go about my life carelessly and not think about it? We were created with intelligent minds and a free will, so why aren't we using it? Maybe I'm micromanaging, okay I am micromanaging, but I find it a healthy activity to think about everything daily. But I digress, maybe there's something about thinking and mentally picking apart issues that I love. Haha, love, there it is again. I love to think! Imagine that...
And now I'm thinking, I really love potatoes. (Yes, I was thinking about this the entire time.) How does that fit? XD
Dreaming of composers, philosophers, artists Listening, captivated, mesmerized Dead to the wordly realm Alive and thriving in our minds Shall we thank them for their time and energy Their intelligence, inspiration, and beauty? Marvelling at their works, great and small The universe captured in a single element Life in a single note, word, stroke
In my secret garden Tall hedges hide my truths Walk my labyrinth of thorns and leaves Where dead flowers bloom Springing forth from the earth's bosom Will you navigate to its core?
Just felt like emoting. Chopin makes me a little crazy sometimes, and then on a tangent, I realize I only have two mp3s of Liszt, woes. Must acquire more of his love. ♥
I find myself unable to coherently and completely organize my thoughts on Christianity and the topic of sexuality (and marriage, specifically, in light of Prop 8). I feel like I have too much to say and too little time and space to do it, not to mention that I completely lack the ability to outline something like this properly, but Kimi said a lot of what I wanted to say in her FaceBook note. If anyone else has the time and consideration, please read Kimi's note here on Facebook.
I actually don't know if FaceBook links work if you're not on there.. hmm...
Sigh. I have been so upset this entire week when I try to research into this topic. I talked about this with my pastor, and he advised me to not take it personally and think about it. And I am doing just that, but I'm overwhelmed. I... I think I'll just stop for now.
I didn't change since the more indepth analysis in high school, this is pretty sad. Am I always going to be an INFJ? Persistence is definitely my trait. ::facepalm::
Wish there were a free comprehensive Enneagram test.
"Seasons of Love" started rolling through my head when I looked at the clock just now. Out of that 525,600 minutes, I have 30 more minutes to go before I get off work so I can take Masaomi to a mechanic. That's only 0.0057% of the all the minutes in one year. Number crunching actually makes 30 minutes seem alarmingly short. Scary.
All night, I've been trying to calm down, given that there is no rational explanation for why I'm so upset because of this person who shall remain nameless, but I've had no success. I've been praying for him, for my frustration to subside, for the ability to master my emotions, and still I find myself screaming in my head. Why is it that biological flunctuations can upset someone SO MUCH? I've always fought to maintain self control, and yet here, I find myself losing to this raging response in my system. If anything, time, space, prayer, and continued avoidance will help. I hope.
Hopeless situations like this that are beyond my control, I ask for guidance from the only One who can help. Please pray for me too.
That aside, let me work on my Thankful Three for the day so I can focus my energy into that instead.
Monday Thankful Three
01) Daylight Savings Time! We gained an hour to rest our minds and bodies. Autumn is a good season.
02) A blessed Sabbath day in which I was able to rest and spend time with all the wonderful people at church.
03) The LA County Public library, for having a book request system so I don't have to drive everywhere to get reading material.
This weekend seemed to be packed with a lot of decision making on my part, and then some. I was unable to complete my list of things to do, but it seemed like I accomplished a whole different set of goals instead...
» I was granted permission to do the one thing I've been wanting to for a while now. Even if it was only for that one day.
» I didn't record for choir, but I was able to play on my upright until 6am because my parents are off in Hawaii. Oh how I've missed my piano! I'm so happy now that I have a copy of this following song to play now. Now if only someone will sing it so I can accompany!
"If I Can't Love Her"
And in my twisted face There's not the slightest trace Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape No comfort, no escape I see, but deep within is utter blindness
Hopeless As my dream dies As the time flies Love a lost illusion
Helpless Unforgiven Cold and driven To this sad conclusion
No beauty could move me No goodness improve me No power on earth, if I can't love her No passion could reach me No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved her and made her love me too If I can't love her, then who? Long ago I should have seen All the things I could have been Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No pain could be deeper No life could be cheaper No point anymore, if I can't love her No spirit could win me No hope left within me
Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free But it's not to be If I can't love her Let the world be done with me
-- Beauty and the Beast Musical
Sigh. Talk about depressing songs. Rings true, doesn't it?
I love being an accompanist, I really do. Most people aspire to become solo performers, and that certainly is a wonderful aspiration, but for someone like me, I enjoy playing with other people instead. To be able to support and boost someone's performance makes me happiest, and it's also when I perform best. It means I can enjoy my music while enjoying someone else's at the same time, and the weaving of my music with someone else's is a thrill. My piano teacher used to always try to make me perform by myself, and I shudder away from it every time I can, but he never noticed that I always agree with it comes to playing with someone else. Duets, trios, quartets, quintets - that's what I live for! Ahh, and thus why La Corda d'oro is the best otome game EVER! (Sorry you guys, Haruka might have more shinies, but nothing beats making music with my boys.) Now, if only, if ONLY I could have a duet with Kanayan! I keep wishing I could play Tsuchiura so I could have a duet with Kanayan!! Because, you know, violin + vocals doesn't make much of a duet. Okay, Corda fangirling aside, I really love making music with people. On that topic...
» I ended up having three songs to play for my uncle, Uncle Zhu Jing, and Auntie Marie.
Thankfully, they were all easy pieces and I pulled them off yesterday, whew. Nothing makes me happier than playing for people who know their music and sing in tune. ♥ Nothing against Daisaku and Fukujun and ::COUGHS:: nevermind, but harmony is ♥♥♥! Wish I could sing like that! ::sighs::
» Uncle treating us for dinner and frozen yogurt yesterday. ♥ Free food!
I have eight minutes to type up the three things I’m thankful for today. And then I’ll have to make a list of goals for tomorrow too. First things first!
On Thursday, I am Thankful for:
01) The library fiasco ended with no harm done.
02) Being able to talk to Sotsu after a few weeks!!! I missed her so much!
03) The Canon G10 digital camera my boss bought for my work.
::points up:: That is an inspiring sermon. The question posed and answered in that sermon, "Whose is What?" is analyzed and answered. It may not be the answer for everyone, but it is a very good take. I finished it with a smile... Our Lord is good. ♥
Today, I am thankful that that library fiasco is cleared up!!! See, told you, NOT MY FAULT. Librarians, sheesh! I'm just glad it's over and done with now, no finance charges, no bad mark on my record, whew. And I walked away with the books I intended on borrowing yesterday. Yay!
Controversial topic up ahead! Hehe, thought a warning is fair. Not crossposting this one.
Before I ramble about less time pressing issues, I'm going to express my opinion about Prop 8 in California. Let me say this first and now - I am dead AGAINST this proposition. I never, ever talk about politics. I mean ever. But today, I'll make an exception because election day is rapidly approaching. ::inhales:: Ikuzo-!
Nooooo to Prop 8! Reasons? Many, partially are personal bias, but there are many other reasons. Let's start with human rights. Okay, isn't it enough that churches won't sanction a homosexual marriage, but now that after the CA government has finally decided to allow it by law, we're going to force the clock back? Why are we fighting progress? I'm talking about the acceptance and humility, to stop judging others and think that the way we have practiced things is always just and right. Sexuality is not chosen at will, the orientation that is, but the conduct is. One argument says that it is not natural to be homosexual, and while I cannot say whether it is the BEST intention of nature (because, yes, it kind of stops the whole procreation aspect of life), it does occur naturally. Animals, even fruit flies, have been shown to be attracted to their own sex (sex=biological, gender=sexual difference). I remember watching the results for an experiment in which they cloned "gay" fruit flies, and voila, circular formation! Okay, so that's not my dish of ideal entertainment, but it does bring evidence to the table. Studies on the human hypothalamus (correct me if I'm wrong, where's my biopsych teacher when I need him?) have implicated that a difference in size of the INAH 3 region (it's in the front section) have correlated between heterosexual and homosexual men. Not surprisingly, the INAH 3 in homosexual men is approximately the same size of that in heterosexual women. (My brain hurts from the repetition.) And while this correlation does not ultimately prove that there is a definite biological discrepancy that determines one's sexuality, we can discuss hormones and what we call "chemical" attraction. Every living being has a method of transmitting and detecting biological signals that are unconscious and totally unintentional. Humans give off hormones whether they like it or not, depending on where in their cycle they are or under what circumstances, and it's not always what the eye sees or what you hear or what you know about a certain person that will draw you to or repel you from another person. A good deal of homosexuals (and heterosexuals, even) will say they have what's called "gaydar," which doesn't necessarily pertain to detecting how someone acts but what they "feel" about that person. What exactly is this "feeling" anyway? Some people brush it off as just a vibe, but what you don't know is that if you are/were in near proximity to this person your "gaydar" is going off on, there's a very likely chance that the hormones they're giving off are blatantly telling you their orientation. Not kidding, at ALL. I have a string of "coincidences" that pertain to this topic, where one of my friends is constantly attracted to gay and bisexual men where I am always repelled by them, instinctually, not because I don't like them as people or anything. (In fact, these people end up being some of the most wonderful people I'll ever meet. ♥) Anyway, before I lose my point, this indicates that sexual orientation is determined biologically and genetically, and so just because someone can never fall in love with the opposite sex and want to marry them, they cannot be allowed to fall in love and marry? There's too much to say on this topic, so I'll leave the rest of my reasons for another time (because just one point takes me forever to get through), but just based on that one reason alone, what right do we have to deny same-sex couples the right to marry under the court of law? When very critical issues are at hand here, such as hospital rights, financial issues, etc, this is outright discrimination. If you are opinionated to believe that these unions are wrong, then so be it, nobody can force you to change your mind, but please allow these people the chance to marry and live their lives together as they so please. Vote NO on Prop 8.
And let's not even get me started on the whole "teaching kids about gay marriage" thing. :) I will scream. Anyone who saw that shameless commercial (if you saw it, you'll know what I speak of), I strongly urge you to read this page to shed some light on this blatant exploitation and disregard to these actual people's families. Speaking as someone who wants to teach in the next few years, even though I feel strongly about this issue, I would never bring up this topic in a classroom unless it were related to the curriculum. It's useless to bring this up in our traditional classes, unless we're talking about health and sex education class. There's more to this, but I'll leave it at that for now. ::pokes the advertisements madly::
In the end, is love ever wrong? When one finds what love is for them, and everything starts making sense, is it anyone else's place to tell them "what you are doing is wrong" ...? I find this most problematic. I don't think anyone has the right to speak for someone else in regards to this topic. Learn for yourself what love is, don't judge others. That's for God to decide. Live your life to the fullest, live the way you think is right, but don't try to make someone else live their life the way you would IF you were them, which you are obviously not. Advice and counsel can be given to an extent, but when it comes down to rights, think about it, do you think any human institution should have the right to stop someone from being bonded to someone they love? Just because they're different? I honestly think that we, as a society, do not educate ourselves enough in regards to the topic of sexuality. In a world where every corner flashes signs and talk of carnal sex and lust, why is it so taboo to talk bout same-sex couples who are in love?
Trying to restrain myself from being emotional over this topic exhausts me. Knowing that there are people who support NO on Prop 8 makes my eyes water with relief. Please, please please please, people, join the fight against discrimination. Enough is enough.
After a day of being stuck at home due to much agony, it's good to be back at work. I hate not being able to go to work, it's a waste of time and no income! ::fumes:: And to make matters worse, I'm still not all better yet. Grawr. I'm restricting myself to non-solid foods for the meantime and driving myself crazy with the lack of meat. ::sniffles:: When this is all over, I'm going to go gobble down a Chipotle steak burrito.
I was thinking this weekend and yesterday about where I am currently. On the road of life, I have momentarily wandered off-course, in the midst of tall and thorny shrubbery, and am meandering aimlessly. Haven't quite lost sight of the road yet, but the shrubbery's growing awfully fast. Am I lost? No, not quite, but I feel displaced. How do I get back on track?
Am I the only one who sees this? I begin to wonder how apparent my side-tracking is to other people. Wearing a well-developed mask has its perks and drawbacks...
I miss meat. I really miss meat. I miss someone too but I think I miss meat more than I miss anybody, though. Does that count as messing up my priorities? XD
Am I more coherent when I prattle on like this, really, Kimi? Maybe my normal blog is too aimless, which leads me to another question. Is it really necessary to know your goal in life to enjoy it? Well, I guess I could answer that one. Not knowing where you're headed is sometimes fun and exciting, not knowing what's going turn your head or strike your fancy, which makes life very enjoyable. However, if you know what you're trying to accomplish, it's also enjoyable to be able to plot out your path and watch yourself succeed. Or fail, but mistakes have the opportunity of becoming invaluable lessons along the way that may either hinder or, in a better case scenario, become a tool for further trials up ahead. Hm, but since I'm always tempted to dwell on the negative side on things and prepare for the worst, so let's consider this:
Let's say you don't know what you're doing in your life, don't know where you're going, and you stumble and fall constantly. In the worst case scenario, you don't learn from it and spin in a downward spiral where you begin to miss every single foothold that could have been there. Then what do you do? Have you learned anything?
The typical answer would be, yeah, but the only thing learned is that trials don't lead to anything good anyway, so why bother? Why try? Lethargy and apathy won't get you anywhere, but it also won't make things worse... right?
Wrong. Getting nowhere is probably the worst thing that can happen in life. Being stuck, being held back, whether by someone else or yourself, is the worst of it all. How does one remedy this type of situation? The easy answer is to say, well find out what is stopping you from progressing, but for a lot of people, it's extremely difficult to sum up the motivation and courage to actually do something about it. Some people let it slide too much and decide to take their own lives because they feel as if nothing is ever going to work, present or future, so they just end it prematurely.
Okay, before I continue with this drivel, I have to admit that I've been dwelling with that mentality for much longer than I care to mention. It breaks people, it drives people insane, and it doesn't make anything better when people around discourages the person further. Let me say it straight - it sucks. Every single time something good comes up, whether it be an opportunity or a thought, it gets squashed by not only myself but by everyone else around me too. The world grew dimmer, people seemed trivial and unworthy, life itself became mundane and troublesome, a burden and not a gift. It also had to do with the fact that I felt like God had abandoned me long since. Anyway, not to dawdle on my dark times, moving on.
So! I came up with two solutions out of many possible, I hope, that may help people in these seemingly deadend situations.
One is to turn inward and know yourself FIRST and foremost. Problems will never go away if you are not aware of yourself, because self knowledge holds the key to success. Not saying that you have to and will be able to control your every action, though, and emotion to do anything at all, but at least know who you are and why you are that way. I believe self awareness is pivotal in every relationship, whether it be with other people or yourself. (Some people have this delusion that it's not possible to have a relationship with yourself because there is only one person involved. To that, I say, how many people feel disjuncted and have conflicting thoughts and feelings? You have to establish a connection between all the mishmash within yourself, in which there are much more than two parts involved. What would you call that?) It's like the commandment, "Thou shalt love your neighbor as yourself." How can anybody love each other if they don't love themselves first? Everyone knows that you are the worst critic of yourself, and so there is no such thing as loving yourself and not knowing. People who spin in dark cycles cannot and will not find the heart to love themselves if they don't know anything about themselves. Of course, there's the flipside where there's a chance the person will find themselves to be worse than they thought initially and then jump to the conclusion that they're better off dead, in which case that's also too premature because they just haven't found something intrinsically good about themselves yet. Holding out, for some people, seems worse than physical death, because it's like having to suffer a living death everyday until they pass. So, instead of just holding out and doing nothing, get to know yourself! Find out what kind of person you are, find out what ticks you, what makes you happy, even if only a slight twitch of happy, try to unravel the mysteries within yourself! The mysteries of the universe are always going to be there, but you won't, so get crackin'!
Short to say, that's the road I'm traveling right now. I rather much like it.
Anyway, the second solution I have is to turn to the greatest example of love. Ever. There is so much goodness in that one example that all other problems will seem trivial in comparison. I'm talking about Jesus, our Saviour, who didn't only save the world back then through his ultimate physical sacrifice, but continues to save us even today. The Greatest Story Ever Told (do I need to mark TM on that one?) shows us that, no matter the circumstances, no matter what happens, no matter what you have done or haven't done, regardless of death itself, there is SOMEONE out there who loves you and WILL save you, if only you are willing. Now isn't that a wonderful thought? Unfortunately, not everyone can see it, in fact, I get blinded by tears every time I try to fathom the greatness of His love. Not saying that everyone should turn to Christianity when lost or depressed, but it is definitely a solution that is everlasting. More people ought to try it. I feel like I don't have much to say about this because I'm still working on it myself, but so far so good. God is good to us, even when we fail to see His love. Living life as a Christian is not easy, when we have such high standards set by Jesus Himself, but it doesn't keep us from trying. Being a Christian doesn't guarantee us from hurting or despairing, but it is a lifestyle that teaches us to aspire to be better than what we would like to settle for.
In reflecting on myself, I've only recently stepped back onto this road. Why I didn't do it sooner, I know what it was that held me back, but regardless, I'm glad that I finally did. Some of the dullness has been rubbed off, and while still dull, there's something trying to shine through. I'm still trying to discover things about myself, but at the same time, I'm also rethinking some previously thought-out notions. It's a lot of work, of course, but it should be worth the effort. Not everyday will I find a precious something that challenges my beliefs and inspires me to be better than who I am now, right? God gave me strength to embetter my life, and by Jove I'm going to use it! ^0^
(Rambling is what happens when I have nothing to do at work...) Crosposted on IS and PR!
Fried chicken is good on the tastebuds but is horrible to my stomach and arteries. I must be getting old, even ripping off the fried batter isn't good enough. Woe, with every number each year adds to my age, I find myself dreading what every meal intake is going to do to me eventually. In actuality, I can still eat what I want, as long as in moderation. My dad ate as much Church's chicken as I did, maybe one piece more, except I ate one extra roll and downed the entire family size of mash potatoes. Woes, once again. My arteries aren't getting any younger. ::grimaces::
I think a thanks is in order, because I went a week without giving thanks. (I think.) SO! Here's a thought.
I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life right now. I truly am, even if the past has made me think that no human is without contempt in some shape or form, I am now seeing more good in mankind than I have previously. Praise God for that!
Oh, forget the singular thought, here's another.
I want to thank God for granting me the tolerance and grace to pass through the ten tremendously dark years of my life. Although the Light was not apparent to my eyes, ears, and heart, You were with me every step of the way, granting me one or another kindred soul to ease the pain and suffering. Looking back now, I can see Your footsteps alongside my staggering ones. It makes me want to cry to see the tedious meandering trail, but I'm now stronger because of it. Thank You for keeping me alive.
If You'll walk with me, though I know the road is long, I'll get by with Your love to make me strong. More by far than a guiding star above, I long for You. Walk with me, oh my love. -- "Walk with me" - The Seekers
Now, all I ask is that I find someone solid and real in my life to "walk with me" as You have. ♥
Out with my darkness, and step into the light. Shape me a new heart, a heart that loves just as the old but shines brighter than the morning star. Grant her the grace you have shown me, and I will let the dust settle for good.
The internet is like time travel, I never know when I'll run into something of mine that I started ages ago until, well, I run into it. Perhaps there are too many things I've forgotten, or maybe it's because there are too many things that just seem to be less significant in my life as time goes on. The internet will remain a very integral part of my life, as I leave traces everywhere and surprise myself everytime I find some lost part of my life online. ::grim smile:: Pixelated Roses, I think I remember why I used this title. It had something to do with Kennichan or, well, her. I'll have to find out in my layout archives later.
Ah so, I've thought a little about what to talk about in different areas. It's true that I seem to live multiple lives, the internet enables me to do that, I suppose, but it's not only online that I carry on this charade. Over time, there are less and less people who care to carry on a topic that requires revisiting and reanalyzing. They find topics mundane and repetitive or redundant because progress is never quick or exciting when it deals with small changes and modifications in opinion and beliefs. As a result, I've cast aside my quest for discussions and settled for more "practical" approaches, otherwise known as talk about only what applies to people in their immediate situation. Personally, I find that narrowminded and not very interesting, but that seems to be what the rest of the world is only interested in. Heh, whatever happened to intellectual pursuits, I wonder? Are everyday life occurences so shallow that they can only be taken for face value? Most people seem to think so, most people around me seem to believe it, but I refuse to let them daunt me. I still go off on tangents, even if I cannot express them properly and only to the select few who aren't so tired of their lives to spend some energy and thought to delve deeper. Mmmm.... I hunger for more.
Maybe that's the beauty of the internet. I can hide myself, split myself up, play games, expose myself, or be someone else depending on the location, the website, the people. It allows us to lead multiple lives without scrutiny. Sometimes, I stop and wonder, what is that doing to me? Am I becoming less "one heart, one mind" of a human being, or am I simply finding outlets? Go figure.
